It’s my 2nd Ramadhan in Christchurch. Last time, I was pregnant with Aliya...and so when I got really excited making this and that kueh (although tak berapa menjadi..biasala...first timer hihi)... people said that it was owing to my pregnancy. This time, surprisingly I got the same excitement. So I came to a (valid) conclusion that......no, I am just a cool, chef-wanna-be wife! (yet is limited edition: only during Ramadhan! hihi)
Talking about Ramadhan, I remembered being told that "the devils are all locked up during the holy month of Ramadhan"
Cool! No devils no evil!
Yet, my prayer is still not khusyuk...
Yet, I am still too lazy to get up and qiamullail
Yet, my heart is still full of sifat-sifat mazmumah
Yet, I can’t get away from sins!
I am so frustrated. I’m mad. To no one but myself. Myself who is no different during Ramadhan than at any other times.
I asked this little Siti Ujila: "why am I like this?"
and she replied: "Because your heart has so much 'dirt'..because you have done so many sins that even without the devils, you can be sinful. There are sins that have rather become your habit!"
Really..this has made me really sad. Sad and mad.
If the hidden 'dirt' in my heart could be seen from the outer, it must be really-really ugly, smelly, and faulty!
I pray to God, and I seek for His forgiveness.
Penghulu istighfar – I took its advantage of being the 'chief' of such a prayer, hoping that Allah would forgive me...
Ya, Allah Engkaulah Tuhanku, Tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau, Engkaulah yang menjadikan aku. Sedang aku adalah hambaMu dan aku di dalam genggamanMu dan di dalam perjanjian setia ( beriman dan Taat ) kepadaMu sekuat mampuku. Aku berlindung kepadaMu dari kejahatan yang telah ku lakukan. Aku mengakui atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan kepada ku dan aku mengaku segala dosaku. Maka ampunilah aku. Sesungguhnya tidak ada yang dapat mengampuni segala dosa kecuali Engkau. Amin
and I told myself, I must change. I must!
Friday, August 27, 2010
So last night we sat down together..looking at the beautiful surah of Allah, the very last An-nas.
The key point that has gotten into me lies in the word of "was-was" mentioned in the 4th verse. When we talked about "was-was", all I remembered from my learning in the past was....."was-was masa amik wuduk". That’s about it. Never had I thought that it has greater deeper meaning.
We were talking about "was-was" when my husband looked me in the eyes and asked..."in this life, what is the most dangerous threat to us?" The question sounded quite serious, so I chose to keep my mouth shut and let him tell me the answer.
It is not the physical threat. not emotional threat like the lost of someone we love.....It is such a threat that the eyes cannot see
Ghuzwatul Fikri – it is called. Serangan Pemikiran. The name itself is as terrifying as it is.
I know about it. I have heard it before. many times. But I have never taken it seriously. All the warnings, all the sign I had ignored before, not realizing it had gotten into me..without me realizing it. Yes, it is unseen by my eyes. Slowly it influences me...and the next thing I know is my inability to see whether something is right or wrong..not according to me, not based on the world’s norm, but in the view of our God.
Silent killer, Ghuzwatul Fikri is. It attacks us Muslims without us realizing it. It deviates our stand and leads us to see something as OK when it used to be NOT OK based on the teaching of the Prophet. It brings uncertainties in our mind.
Ghuzwatul Fikri -Yes...this is the new type of "was-was" in today’s world.
Suddenly my mind flashed back to something that happen about two years ago...we were planning on where to go for our honeymoon...I really wanted to go to New Zealand at that time, but since the cost was a lot we should instead go to Mecca for an umrah, my husband said. Then I argued, what’s so wrong with going to New Zealand and not Mecca? Aren’t all places in this world the same?
Now I understand why my husband got really mad at me for what I was saying. Because I didn’t see Mecca as a very special place...a holy place indeed. Because I didn’t see the significance of Mecca as compared to other places and perceive all places as similar, no particular difference in value. Because it’s Ghuzwatul Fikri!
Astaghfirullahal’azim. My value has been wronged, could be from my five years living in the States. It was only 5 years yet I didn’t realize to what extent it has wronged me..not physically...but in my paradigm, the way I see things, my priority...
And now I understand, why it is not OK for me to spend most of my time on my laptop, books, doing my research....leaving no time for learning the book of Allah, reading the many Islamic books or simply any non-academic materials for the sake of improving my faith. Yes, me being passionate and workaholic is good as a human, but no..my priority was wrong. I have been too much influenced by the competitive life surrounded me in the States. Yes it was sooo hectic and I was soo occupied with my study and work that I didn’t realize my passion and hard work had all been for my dunia, when I should have given my akhirat more priority.
Binggo! another Ghuzwatul Fikri!
So I tell myself. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t study hard and publish many journals. That’s pessimist. But hey, when the time comes, close your book and perform your prayer....Make time for saham akhirat...read other books..go to usrah....I told myself.
From now onwards, I must “protect myself”..my unconscious mind....from this:
Min sharril was waasil khonnaas.
Dari kejahatan penyakit was-was (Ghuzwatul Fikri) yang sering datang dan pergi
Thanks to Allah for reminding me.
Thanks to surah An-nas.
It is beautiful indeed..
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
It’s been ages since I last wrote. I just couldn’t bring myself to write any (a more polite way of saying I’m lazy! hihi). My apology..
Alhamdulillah at last Allah has given me a strength to make a come back and here I am! This time with better stories to share..
A secret to be revealed indeed!
All this while, I didn’t take advantage from the presence of a 'guru' readily available in front of me. Who is it? My husband! who else could it be hihi.
Well, to start with...I thought I’d let you know that he is quite an expert in the field of Al-Quran and Qiraat. yes he is an ustaz. and not only that, he has the ability to present his ceramah in a very interesting way. and I meant it.
It has occurred to me lately that I asked myself: Have I really learnt from my life manual? my life textbook? I am very poor at managing stress...I know it....but have I ever wanted to learn how to control it from the Quran? Do I even know what Al-Quran says..about how to live in this life according to the Allah’s code of conduct?
Because all this while I only recite Al-Quran (once in a while!). It’s so funny..I don’t understand Arabic, yet I read it and just read it. How could I understand what it says when I don’t understand Arabic? Even if I refer to the tafsir, I don’t see how the meaning relates to myself, my life...I read the tafsir just for the sake of knowing what the ayats are saying..
that’s why my life is not an inch improved!
and so I’m thinking, why not I spend about an hour or two with him, everyday, specially dedicated to learn the love letters of Allah. If I can spend hours and hours for my research, my study, my kitchen...why can’t I do the same for Al-Quran?
Alhamdulillah, thanks to Allah for giving me this inspiration. Many many thanks.
yeah..lets have a date honey!
Oh by the way, I am not a stingy person (hihi) so I’m not going to keep it to myself alone. So I’ll post them here – the hidden secret of Al-Quran.
It is solely based on my own experience in interacting with Al-Quran, but it may be benefial to any body else...