No, he’s not leaving!

It’s my 2nd Ramadhan in Christchurch. Last time, I was pregnant with Aliya...and so when I got really excited making this and that kueh (although tak berapa menjadi..biasala...first timer hihi)... people said that it was owing to my pregnancy. This time, surprisingly I got the same excitement. So I came to a (valid) conclusion that......no, I am just a cool, chef-wanna-be wife! (yet is limited edition: only during Ramadhan! hihi)

Talking about Ramadhan, I remembered being told that "the devils are all locked up during the holy month of Ramadhan"

Cool! No devils no evil!

Yet.....

Yet, my prayer is still not khusyuk...
Yet, I am still too lazy to get up and qiamullail
Yet, my heart is still full of sifat-sifat mazmumah
Yet, I can’t get away from sins!

I am so frustrated. I’m mad. To no one but myself. Myself who is no different during Ramadhan than at any other times.

I asked this little Siti Ujila: "why am I like this?"

and she replied: "Because your heart has so much 'dirt'..because you have done so many sins that even without the devils, you can be sinful. There are sins that have rather become your habit!"

Astaghfirullah...

Really..this has made me really sad. Sad and mad.

If the hidden 'dirt' in my heart could be seen from the outer, it must be really-really ugly, smelly, and faulty!

I pray to God, and I seek for His forgiveness.

Penghulu istighfar – I took its advantage of being the 'chief' of such a prayer, hoping that Allah would forgive me...

Ya, Allah Engkaulah Tuhanku, Tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau, Engkaulah yang menjadikan aku. Sedang aku adalah hambaMu dan aku di dalam genggamanMu dan di dalam perjanjian setia ( beriman dan Taat ) kepadaMu sekuat mampuku. Aku berlindung kepadaMu dari kejahatan yang telah ku lakukan. Aku mengakui atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan kepada ku dan aku mengaku segala dosaku. Maka ampunilah aku. Sesungguhnya tidak ada yang dapat mengampuni segala dosa kecuali Engkau. Amin

and I told myself, I must change. I must!